i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
