I will die if light touches me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
