i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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