my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
