Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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