Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
