Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
