I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
