hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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