I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I love having hate sex.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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