dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
