I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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