Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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