i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
