and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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