you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
