No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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