a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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