Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
