and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
