Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
