I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
