Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
