Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
