clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Farmville is her only friend.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
