theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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