in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
