HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We're facebook friends in real life
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
