Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
