Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
