there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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