I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
