Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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