new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
