hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
