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How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
