Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
