you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I've blown a few things in my day
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
