If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
