Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I love you.
Bad choice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
