Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
