I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
