im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
