I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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