i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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