I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
