You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
