So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
