If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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