You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
