I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
