You just made me feel so damn special
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
