I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
