Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
