so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
